The Gamer's POV

Chapter 351: Moving Past My Grieve and Healing Together [2]

Cedric let out a humorless laugh, and his lips twisted into a faint, empty smile as he watched Aika take out a bottle of alcohol from the inventory, along with two glasses.

After arranging the glasses on the stone floor between them, she filled them both halfway.

Then, she took out a much stronger spirit and poured a generous splash into each. After that, she raised a glass and handed it over to him.

Cedric took it and stared at the swirling liquid for a long, silent moment. He then lifted his arm and clinked it with Aika, who was waiting patiently for him, after which he downed half the strong mixture.

He winced because this one was quite strong, stronger than all the drinks he had consumed earlier. After licking his lips and smacking his tongue, he looked up and muttered in a gentle voice, "You lied when you said you love gambling. Why do you pretend to love it?"

"I don’t..." Aika began defensively, but Cedric cut her off.

"You are not fascinated by the money. Knowing you, if you need money, you’d either steal or beat someone up for it. You aren’t fascinated by the win either. And you hate cramped spaces with people."

Aika’s mouth hung open for a few seconds after he said that. She closed her lips, then frowned as she looked away.

"It’s not that I hate it," she finally said resignedly. "It’s that I am trying hard to love it."

She sighed. "I was bored while waiting for you to return to me." She lowered her gaze to her drink. "During that time, I... I needed something to help me regulate my fear of human beings while trying to have fun in the process."

"How’s that working out?" Cedric asked after a sip.

"It’s not," she replied flatly. "But enough talk about me. I know you are trying to deflect so you don’t have to talk about yourself."

Cedric smiled with a huff. He stared at the drink for a few seconds before taking another long, slow sip, letting the alcohol burn away the silence.

Then, he sighed and leaned his head back against the balcony wall.

"I wasn’t a very big WebNovel reader in my past life. I was more into games, but I do know of certain tropes like transmigration. At this point, to be honest, I feel like I’m the main character of some cliche work, and the author is really having the time of his life shitting on me."

Aika took a sip of her drink and slowly turned to him.

Cedric exhaled and continued, "You know, after coming to this world, I struggled so damn hard. For some reason, I brought my shitty anxiety with me from Earth, and it was absolutely killing me. But... I tried everything to keep it buried. It didn’t help that instead of getting a normal transmigration, I dropped straight into a bloody arena. From there, it was just one cliché nightmare to the next.

"Back on Earth, I let people push me around and make my life miserable, and I think that’s why I act so impulsively now. Sometimes, I feel like a volatile child who wants to lash out, but the moment the people I’m lashing out at actually turn around and come for me, I just freeze up in fear."

He coughed a chuckle, then sighed.

"I still have that anxiety to this day. I’ll be honest with you, Aika. Almost every single thing I’ve done since the moment I got here has just been an impulsive reaction. Grabbing that bastard at the inn that got me slapped, lashing out at Damon in the bastion without caring about the consequences, challenging the lords — all of it. I’m just reacting."

Aika stared at him for a moment before asking, "Why? What do you aim to get out of it?"

"Relief." Cedric swirled the dark liquid in his glass. "I did it all just to find a moment of relief."

She pondered his words for short moment before asking, "Do you find it?"

"Sometimes," he murmured, his gaze fixed on the shifting alcohol. "As much as I am absolutely terrified of death, that long, quiet moment when the world goes completely dark and silent... it grants me relief."

Aika’s frown deepened.

Cedric exhaled, the breath ghosting into the cold night air. "And then I wake up, and the noise all comes rushing back. So I go looking for the next impulsive thing to drown it out. To be honest, part of the reason I took that trip to the first ring was because I knew there was a real possibility I might die while trying to cross the Veil."

He suddenly chuckled dryly.

"Just another impulsive gamble that I somehow survived."

He stopped swirling the glass and his grip tightened as his expression darkened.

"It probably looks like I’ve grown up, Aika. Like I’ve built a stronger character. But I haven’t. I don’t think I have.

"It’s just... over the past few months, I had finally learned how to manage my anxiety, how to keep the worst of it under control. However, all the work I put into fixing myself just completely shattered after I met Seo-yeon, only for her to die the way she did."

He stared down at the dark floor, and his voice dropped to a low whisper.

"Knowing that she was out there somewhere, living her life and still thinking about me... that was enough. It’s what kept me going.

"It was so much better than knowing that the only person in all the worlds who truly cared about me is just gone forever." A small chuckle escaped him. "And to think that she went through all that so that I could live."

He paused for a moment, looking a bit embarrassed, before continuing. "I know I once said I had lots of friends back on Earth. But that was a lie I told myself. I never had any real friends. Well, actually, I genuinely believed I did at the time. I met some people, but although they pretended to tolerate me, I knew that they secretly hated my guts. I mean, who wants to be friends with a murderer?

"Even though I knew better, because I needed someone to talk to so badly, I just couldn’t stay away. I would still show up to their gatherings, and I would just talk to them, even though they wouldn’t listen. I would see them ignoring me or pretending like I was a ghost, yet I would still talk and talk and talk until I was bored."

He exhaled, and his eyes went blank as he went on, "It kept me sane, you know. Pretending to have friends. Pretending that I had people to talk to, to tell about my ups and downs, to crack jokes with, and to laugh with until tears streamed down my face.

"But eventually, my need for friends died." He sighed. "My voice, which used to be my favorite sound, grew like a heavy chore to even use. And I stopped trying. I don’t know who told you that words are overrated, but I agree with them." He gritted his teeth. "I hate talking so damn much. That’s why I don’t do it anymore."

He trailed off for a moment, tracing a finger along the edge of his glass. "Fast forward months later, and here I am. I have friends now." He smiled. "Real friends. Dion, Evelyn, Audrey, Ino, Julius. But the crazy thing is... I can’t relate to them the way I should. I don’t even care about them all that much, to be honest. Because they don’t calm my anxiety. Because the part of me that wanted friends is just dead.

"And yet... and yet, the thing I’m still afraid of the most is being alone."

He downed the last drop of his drink, then, as he slammed the empty glass on the ground, he muttered under his breath. "Being alone. Sleeping alone. Eating alone."

Aika turned to stare into her own drink for a moment. Then, she downed the rest of the burning liquid and set it down beside his glass.

Cedric swallowed hard, thought for a bit, and let out a faint smile. "Do you want to know what my favorite word is?"

She turned to him. "What?"

"Tranquility." He stared blankly ahead. "It’s funny how that’s my favorite word, but I’ve never actually felt it. I only know what it’s supposed to feel like."

He sighed deeply. "I’m always on edge like someone’s chasing me.

"Transmigration, then straight to the arena, then to a bastion of bullies, then to the rings, then the lords, then a god. Oh Gods! If anything, all of this makes me want to implode sometimes. I’m exhausted. I really am exhausted. I pretend. I pretend that I’m strong. That I’m powerful. That nothing scares me. That’s why I hate the fact that our bond makes it impossible to hide that I’m lying to myself."

He looked angry for a moment, but then his expression softened and he chuckled.

And it was at that moment that Aika realized Cedric had been laughing a lot tonight.

No, not just tonight. He always laughed whenever he hit a dead end, like his first night in the first ring when he fought the ghouls.

Or when he received bad news and couldn’t handle it due to his anxiety, like when he found out about the lords.

Or when the world felt entirely unfair, like when he fought his brother.⁠

Or when he was in deep pain, like right now.

...When was the last time Cedric burst into real, genuine laughter?

She thought.

She thought hard.

And then it hit her.

...She couldn’t remember.

He had never laughed because he was actually happy.

It was always a painfully, bitter laughter.

Or a chuckle he did for the sake of responding to people.

Aika turned away and closed her eyes. Then she wiped a stray tear from her cheek and cleared her throat. "What do you want?"

Cedric smiled as he thought about what he wanted. "To not feel so anxious all the time. To not feel so gloomy inside all the time. To not feel like the little old me. To not feel cold. Aika, my world has become cold again."

He whispered softly, "Finally, tranquility. I really want to feel that."

At that moment, Aika straightened and closed the distance between them, causing Cedric to turn curiously to her.

Before he could even ask what she was doing, she reached out and pulled him into the deepest embrace he had ever known.

Cedric’s eyes widened as he wondered what was happening. But he didn’t pull away, and Aika didn’t stop, patting his back gently to soothe his racing heart.

"You know what I do when I feel anxious?" she murmured into his shoulder.

"What?" Cedric asked, his voice muffled against her.

"When I’m anxious, I think of you. Because you are the strongest person I know. The only person I know."

Cedric’s eyes widened again.

Aika squeezed him tighter. "Your voice also became my favorite sound."

She rested her chin on his shoulder and closed her eyes.

"I will give you all that you want, Cedric, and so much more. If you let me, I’ll be the sun that shines on you to make you smile. Since the world has gone cold, let me give you the warmth you desire. I’ll pull you back whenever you feel like self-destructing. Just like you are helping me heal, I will help you too. I promise to make you feel tranquility." She tilted her head, dropping her voice to a soft, fierce whisper. "I will stay by your side, now... always and forever. If you want to run, I will run away with you. If you want to fight... then I will fight with you, and for you, with everything I have."

Cedric pulled back slightly to look at her, searching her face. "Because you are my bond?"

She smiled, then shook her head. "No, Ced."

He arched a brow. When she saw his confusion, she exhaled, and still smiling, she added, "Because you deserve it. And because you mean more to me than the bond."

At that moment, Cedric felt his heart grow warm. As he gripped the fabric of her clothes, he felt his anxiety melt away into a strange, unfamiliar quiet, which caused his eyes to widen in disbelief.

The sun began to rise over the horizon, casting a golden light across the balcony.

It was beautiful.

Just like the two broken people on the balcony.